WHEW!!! The car wouldn't start today - so instead of taking the day off, I decided to tackle The Biggest Loser Workout, Vol 1.  Now, I'd tried this dvd before...like, before there were other BL Workout Volumes!  And I could not get through the Low Intensity Cardio at all!So, I was scared of it.  I kept it on the shelf, kinda like folks keep little bikinis in their drawers - but never do anything about them, ya know?  But after reading several folks' posts about the BL Workouts...(of course, I don't know which ones they are using)..I figured, I ought to give it a try.  I have been doing cardio five days a week for 3 weeks now, something has to have changed! Right??? So, I dusted it off, and turned it on...and WOW!!!
Sitting here, soaking wet with sweat - I WANT TO SHOUT! I made it through!!!
Here's what I did!
Warm-up (5 min)
Low-Intensity Cardio (with some modifications, but I kept up with the squats and lunges - 25 min)
Strength & Scult (with the weights! 2#; 20 min)
Cool Down (20 min)
THAT'S 70 MINUTES OF WORKOUT AT HOME - With NO PERSONAL TRAINER MAKING ME DO IT!
My heart rate did spike some - but mostly, I kept it within the 145 range - slowing down to side steps or toe touches when necessary - but I kept moving ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE WORKOUT!
Well - actually, that's a lie - half way through the cardio, Jim called and needed insurance information to get a loaner car...and my heart rate dropped back down to about 120, in the five or ten minutes I was looking for it,  but instead of quitting, I JUMPED BACK IN!!!
I LOVE Bob!(as a personal trainer, motivator and such like - no worries, Jim!)

Worked out for 30 minutes on an eliptical machine.  I upped the ramp setting from 12 to 14 and kept it there for the first 20 minutes.  Ended up with 480 calories on the ticker.  On the eliptical machines, I usually do 20 minutes straight ahead, then switch to alternating reverse and forwards for the last 10 minutes.  I also drop the ramp down, just to see the other little lights come on (they never seem to correspond to the part of me that is hurting though ).  Then it was one of the ab machines, alternated with a back machine (3 sets each).  Then downstairs to the free weight area.  Today was reverse incline bench press, fully reclined flys, dumbbell curls, lunges with 25# dumbbells, a set of shoulder exercises (windmills in 3 directions) with 25# dumbbells, and some fully reclined pull overs to finish it off.  All in all about 40 minutes of weights.

Then home and off to the dr for my first physical since I was a kid.  I'd lost 7# since I saw him in December, so that proved I was serious and bought some more time without blood pressure drugs.  I'm pretty sure I have some degree of 'white coat hypertension' as I could feel my heart racing as I drove over to the office. Our dr is a very careful fellow, taking lots of time with each patient.  Which meant that I spent 2 hours in the waiting room doing a bunch of writing for work.  A very nice break.  Tomorrow morning it is off to the lab for blood extraction so some chemist (actually a machine) can spit out lots of strange numbers...fun fun.

I celebrated by going to Red Robin and having a Whiskey River BBQ Burger.... Then Christi and I did price shopping for a number of things we need for the house.

Have fun and keep working on being less so you can be more!!

I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE WORKOUT DVD!!! Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds 5-day Fit Walk!  Here's an article about it.
I can't find it anywhere on the web, but I got it at Target yesterday!  Here's Leslie Sansone's web site.
Anyway - with 5 different workouts - from an easy 1 mile, to a power 1 mile, to 3- 30 minute walks using weight balls - this gives me plenty of variety - AND NO EXCUSES! I didn't go to the gym with Jim today - we babysat our grandson last night, and I didn't have things ready for the gym - so, I did my:
leg lifts for my knee stabilization(15 minutes)
WATP Get up and Get Started 1 mile walk(18 minutes), upper body,without the ball weights(about 3#) ON THE MINI TRAMPOLINE!
3 minutes of stretching
WATP Power Mile(20 minutes) - upper body, with the ball weights
So - it's not my 1 hour on the treadmill - but I worked out at a little over my target heart rate - which is 104-147.  The problem is, my heart rate is 109 just sitting here at the computer!  So, I aim for 145 - but my rate went over 155 a couple of times, so I just slacked off a bit.
Jim and I are going shopping later, so I'll get some general walking in - I wish I knew where my pedometer was!

As Jim said, I did water aerobics yesterday....OH MY!!  I didn't have my heart rate monitor on, because it was so old you aren't supposed to take it in the water...so I don't know what my heart did, but I do know that the water will keep the heart rate down.  Now, my right leg, on the other hand(or would that be foot?) really bugged me. This day was a circuit training - do a station for 3 minutes, then run the circumference of the pool to the next station. I had to stop several times just to stretch my right leg - but I did every exercise, and when I was too tired, I jogged in place. When everyone else was running around the pool, I power walked in the water, moving my hands.  I am proud of myself.  I really had to work through the fears of being the fattest one (I don't think I was, I was definitely in good company) - no one would like me - I'd make a fool of myself - I'd hurt myself - whatever.  Jim was so sweet, he gave me a hug and said "You'll be fine, and you'll make friends, you always do!". He's right - I'm always fine, and I always make friends.  So - banish those thoughts! God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind - and God says fear thou not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am thy God - I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my right hand, AND - be strong and be courageous, for the Lord they God is with you wherever you go.  So - if I believe in God (which I do) and I believe His word (which I do) then, there is nothing to be afraid of!  And there wasn't. 
Jim was very helpful with meals, too - as my arm was acting up.  And he has started calculating recipes so that we can put them in fitday and keep our numbers right!  YEAH JIM!!!

Christi was doing the water aerobics class, so I had some extra time.  I spent 30 minutes on one of the Precor "AMT" machines.  Then I went through a bunch of weight lifting; inclined bench, inclined flys, standing row, preacher curl, curl+press, 3 variations of lat pulls, some more curls.  I have started interspersing leg stretches with the weights.  At my height, the bar on a bench press is just about the perfect height for a good hamstring/quad stretch.  I hold each side for 20 seconds (since I aim for 60 second splits on the weight sets).  All told, I lifted for over an hour.  I was pretty glad when Christi got done.  I've held right at 235 on the home scale the last 3 or 4 days.  Next week I am aiming to solidly break the 235# mark.

Strength Training:
Worked out with Jenifer (PT0 - her comment was "it seems like just last week you couldn't do anything, and now you are doing everything I throw at you!"
God has renewed my strength as the eagle's! He is strengthening the feeble knees and lifting my arms (Isa 35:3).
I was able to sit on a Bosu with legs and feet off the floor - for 30 seconds - TWICE! And I was able to sit on the same Bosu, with my feet strapped to weights, and pull my knees in - 20 reps!!!  I did lunges on the bosu...and we did other core training.
Cardio:
Stationary Bike: 35 minutes - only level 1, kept heart rate in 130's - doing an active rest for my legs today.

 Wednesday, I had an interesting new fight with myself - I have a pain in my right heel - probably the heel spur that docs said was growing years ago.  I was VERY tired from my workouts, and my right leg was hurting, and my right arm was hurting...and I was arguing with myself.  But heres the new part - it wasn't arguing to go to the gym, and coming up with excuses not to, it was arguing not to go to the gym, because of the potential damage I could do before seeing the doc and getting the ok.  That isn't coming out right.  Before, I had to talk myself into going to the gym, coming from the point that I didn't want to go in the first place. This was coming from the point I wanted to go, but wasn't sure it was the best thing today - if I should rest and ice.  This is a total mental shift...I want to go to the gym...I want to work out...and I'm trying to figure out how to do it so I don't hurt myself - rather than talking myself into working out because I 'should', and using it as a punishment for being fat.
Abuse victims have problems doing nice things for themselves...and if it is something that feels good - it's probably wrong...and we don't deserve anything good, we should be punished.  I realize that my eating has been for comfort and protection...and the one thing that I could control in an uncontrollable 12 year nightmare, but then I would punish myself with exercise for eating too much.  Every other time I've dieted and worked out, I was still in that horrible cycle!  But now, my mind is doing WAY different things!
When we went out to eat last night - I got the blueberry bread - and I ate 1/2 a slice - YUM YUM!  But, I didn't beat myself up (you can't have that - or - you shouldn't have that). I made a conscious effort to have a small taste....and I left the rest!
We were out the other night, and had planned to be home in time to make dinner - but it was getting late, and I need to eat by 6:30 for blood sugar and medicine and testing purposes.  So, instead of going for my usual knee jerk Wendy's Baconater - I called our daughter to get nutritional info on Taco Bell! Then we went in and fine tuned our choices!  I can eat whatever I want - but what I want is NEW!!  I want food that fuels my health goals!  I want food that will keep me strong.  And the same thing is happening with working out...I want to see how far I can walk on a treadmill, I want to see how long I can cycle.  Thanks to my personal trainer Jenifer, who started out with me turning my cants into cans with my injuries, my whole mindset is turning to I can, I may just have to figure out how!  Praise God!
My Verses
Phl 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
And I'm working on:
Phl 2:14 Do all things without murmurings and disputings:

(Thank you BlueLetterBible.org)
My hymn for this is:
Little is Much When God is in it (http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/l/m/lmuchwgi.htm)
Little is much when God is in it!
Labor not for wealth or fame.
There’s a crown—and you can win it,
If you go in Jesus’ Name.

Yesterday I walked at 4+MPH for 30 minutes on the treadmill next to Christi.  Then I did 30 minutes of weights, concentrating on my chest (rear deltoids, flys, shoulder, chest press and miscellaneous curls).  I benched 265# 5 times, which was new for me.  Hadn't tried that much at the end of a work out before.  Today I did my 'heavy' cardio...30 minutes on a crosstrainer using a cycle that we got from the "Body for Life" workout, warmup for 2 minutes, then increase the resistance each minute for 4, reset and repeat for a total of 20 minutes.  I aim to hit 450 calories in 30 minutes based on the cross trainer's calculator (for whatever that is worth).  At least it gives me a number I can use across different machines.

I really wanted to eat out last night, so we went to Bob Evans and I had a Cobb salad.  Unfortunately I ate the banana nut bread too.  Now I need to concentrate on eating healthy as I ramp into the dr appointment on Monday.

Lots of thoughts and concerns about blood pressure and medication in general (I don't like medicine).

On the doctor's scale, I've lost 1 pound since 1/4/08.  We couldn't remember if I had my shoes on before or not. So, I wore shoes. I go back in one month - we'll see what it is then.
Blood sugar - A1c is 5.7 - but here's the eye opener - for three years I thought that meant I was healthy - NEWS NEWS - that is only healthy for diabetics!  Still shows that the diabetes is PRE diabetes....which means, I have time to turn this around! I have a month to do diet and exercise or I'll go on a med - with the understanding that I need to get under 200 pounds.
Cholesterol total was 177 - Triglicerides 120, HDL 38 (too low), LDL 115(too high, should be 70 for DM2) - But WAY better than a year ago when the total was over 220! Again - I have three months to get this improved with diet and exercise...or I'll go on meds, at least until I get below 200 pounds.
Liver Levels - GREAT!!! - need to keep nourishing that baby and staying away from the yucky fatty stuff! And - get below 200 pounds!
Thyroid....well, this explains a lot - my thyroid is "shutting down".  I start meds for this today.  Maybe, if I lose weight, my thyroid will kick back in...but, I've known this was coming since the hysterectomy when I was 29. Anyway, this should help my energy - and hopefully - my weight loss.  But no matter what, if I don't do the work, nothing good is going to come of this!
Right Leg - could be edema, could be early diabetes nerve "changes" - either way, weight loss will greatly improve it.  In fact, today, it didn't swell as much as Monday!
IF YOU HAVE HEALTH ISSUES OR QUESTIONS - GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR!

My mind is getting used to getting up in the EARLY morning with Jim to go to the gym.  I've never been an early riser...which is why he has so much less body fat than I do - He's been working out for years...it's our eating that's been stinking for him!
Anyway - Today was cardio - treadmill.
I am working on my heartrate - I want to keep it between 130 and 150 for safety's sake.  When I started out last fall, my heart rate was 130+ just getting onto the treadmill!!!
Today: 65 minutes (5 minute cooldown).  51 minutes at an average of 140 heart rate, average speed was 2.5mph - with several 2 minute bursts to 2.8 and even two bursting to 3mph!!!
I was a bit disappointed when I got to the cooldown - it didn't look like I could make it to 2.5 miles, which would have been a nice accomplishment.  While I looked at the workout summary, I was pleased with the heart rate stuff - the burned calorie stuff - then I looked at the distance.....2.49miles!  Man! If I had seen that during the cool down, I would have pushed!  Jim says the 2.49 is only 53ft short of 2.5 miles, so walking from the treadmill to the locker room then out of the gym got that in.  Then Jim said "Maybe it was really 2.495, or 2.499!"  He is so encouraging sometimes! ;-) 
He's my hero with workouts...and on the days I go in with him in the morning, he's so sweet to do his cardio on a treadmill next to me for 30 of my 60 minutes.  Thanks Jim!

Finally getting into the blogging side of things.  I had a work out session planned with Joel (personal trainer at Urban Active) this morning.  I over slept and was late for the workout.  We did several leg exercises, which I had avoided because of some knee issues.  No problems, so that was a blessing.  I followed that up with 15 minutes of curls and arm work, and 10 minutes of racquetball.  I try to get in at least 200 shots with my right arm and 50 or so with my left arm.  I alternate racquetball and basketball shootarounds as a way to loosen up after heavy lifting.

It is really neat to have lost 10 pounds.

I've finally lost the holiday weight - and I'm back down to the starting weight at the gym.  But their scale (with me fully clothes, having eaten breakfast, and drunk a pint of water) says I'm at 243.  <sigh>  Jen didn't get to see any results in all my work!
I was able to walk on the split treadmill - a stepper treadmill - for 5 minutes.  With my right leg being weaker, it had been very hard, but all my work on the treadmill to focus on getting my right leg to pull it's own weight is paying off!
I did strength training with Jen for 35 minutes - then went and did the stationary bike (I admit, it's the one with the back and arms) for 25 minutes. I did a random hill program - instead of just the level one!  AND I was able to keep my heart rate right around 145...a good cardio.
All the typing I did yesterday set my right arm back...so I should get off the computer!  But, I can still pick things up, and I could do my exercises...so it's just a temporary irritation. 
This afternoon, I go for a massage - and she'll work on the arm and leg...and then it's grocery shopping!!!

I use an online program that's free to document my diet...www.fitday.com. The reason Jim and I use this is that it is EASY! You can document activities, set up nutritional goals and such like.  There's one you can purchase, too, but we've used this one off and on for several years. And, I have spent a lot of time creating the information for foods we make, and normally eat. 
Yesterday - I was working on the Protien-Carb balancing for diabetes - and I thought I'd been doing really well.  My protein to carb ratio was 1:2.  BUT - I had a none diet frozen meal....it had 400 calories and 890 g of sodium!  I also served myself too much of a cereal without looking at the calories (CARDINAL CALORIE SIN!).  All in all, I ate 1782 calories...and 3000 g of sodium! And I didn't put salt on ANYTHING!!!
So - here's my substitutions today:
Recovery drink after workout -
was Boost with 200 calories or Slim Fast with 180 calories - both with gobs of chemicals AND sugar. AND the protein to carb ratio was off.
now V8 fusion lite (50 calories) with True Whey protein powder (40 calories), for a total of 90 calories and no chemicals - and the protein:carb ratio is 8g:14g (basically 1:2).
If I have as yogurt/cereal snack - I will only take half a serving of Kashi nuggets to keep the calories down from 210 for 1/2 c to 105 for 1/4c.
By documenting what I ate yesterday, I can reduce 2 meals by half. That would take it down to 1600 calories. And - that frozen meal? Well, I need to get back to work making my own! If I can make a meal that is half the 400 calories for lunch, that would get my total calories to 1400. - and knock the sodium down by 890!!!
Jim's and my goal this year for our eating is to eat purposefully - whether at home or out.  Food is fuel...and we want to put premium fuel in our tanks!!!

I admit, I didn't want to go work out this morning. In fact, Jim came to get me at 5:15 AM - and I begged him to let me sleep(sounds like a kid with his mom on a Monday morning school day!).  He was so enabling - as in, enabling me to get 1/2 hour rest and then go to the gym!!!
I did my leg lifts to get the circulation going in my right leg - hoping that it would prevent the extreme pain - AND IT DID!
I have learned from Biggest Loser and other shows that it's consistency...you have to choose to do what you have to do to get what you want.
Today's work out:
Treadmill - 70 minutes (Jim lost track of time doing his weights!)
over 50 minutes at a full #1 incline! Last week, it was a few minutes at #1!
average speed was well over 2.2 mph, with 3 bursts of two minutes long at 2.7. I think a good 20 minutes was at 2.5.
heart rate - I was able to keep my heart rate between 140 and 150 - with peaks during the 2.7 bursts of 157. My heart rate recovered back to the mid 140's within 2 minutes of slowing down to 2.2mph.  My heart is responding to this consistent, though slow process of walking. 
I had to stop to stretch my plantar areas in the middle, but I didn't get the shin splint pain this time! Praise God!

THOUGHTS - I hide in the far corner where very few can see me.  I feel so 'stupid', 'lame', 'out of place' when someone walks or runs next to me....they sound like they are taking off....and I think of them saying "what in the world is she doing here if she's not even going to work out?".  I wear two braces while I walk - but no one can see them, they are under my sweats. I bring Boost or SlimFast protein drinks to recover from the sugar loss and prevent the crash, but that is in my locker. No one can see the struggles I have.  But, that isn't an excuse...one hour of working out is one hour of working out....I'm sweating, I'm keeping my heart rate up, I'm paying attention to my blood sugar (though, I have to get my monitor with me to make sure).  I do like it when no one is there...and I can focus on my music and my work out and my heart rate - I can really focus on my own body, making sure my legs work at the same rate, my foot doesn't turn in or roll. And when no one is in that little corner, I've even quietly sung to my music, and even danced a little on the treadmill!  I'm not putting on a show, and I'm not there for anyone to see me - I'm there for me.
BENEFITS SO FAR:

• I have more self confidence...by choosing to do what's good and right for me no matter what other people think, I'm starting to carry that into other areas...like going to the grocery store.  If anyone is there to stare and judge other people, they need to get a life, and their opinions don't need to measure up to a hill of beans to me!  Jim's opinion matters more than anyone's, but even then, it can't matter more than my opinion of myself! I am starting to like myself, I'm starting to think I'm kinda cute, and I'm starting to really like my smile.  And if I like myself, no one else's opinion can make me fall.  And if I like myself, I'll take care of myself.  And, I owe it to my Father, God - Who created me for His good pleasure. Psalm 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well.
• My Breathing: I have had exercise induced asthma for years...various pneumonia episodes and bronchitis left me, well, breathless.  Walking three times a week, practicing deep breathing to bring my heart rate down, has caused me not to need my inhaler.  Today was cold here in Ohio, and usually, that can trigger something...but nothing hurt, and I didn't even use the inhaler!
• My legs, feet, ankles, knees and hips: My right leg had been swelling...hurting, burning.  In fact, last year I stopped walking because it hurt so bad that I had to lay in bed with it elevated to release the pressure (didn't have good medical care last year).  I'm sure controlling the blood sugar is helping what appears to be edema, in addition to watching my heart rate so I don't over do it, and just being consistent.  When I had the self destructive tendencies, I would push past pain...to the point of injuring something.  That's how my plantar tendons got severed two years ago.  Just kept stretching through the pain after stepping on a shell in the ocean.  That added up to 12 weeks of a wheel chair.  And whenever something stops my workouts...it seems like it takes forever to get them going again.  So, this time, I have to remind myself, I am doing this at MY speed, MY level, and while I'll push to a certain point, I am FIRST going to build up strength, stability and security.  An ankle injury would really put the walking in jeopardy.  I've had surgery on both knees - twice on my right knee - and it had been hurting so badly that I couldn't do the squats and such at a work out with my trainer.  By doing the knee and leg lifts EVERY DAY - the knees are becoming more stable - I don't ache at night - and I can walk up and down stairs with no problem! Someday, I'd like to ice skate and roller blade again - but I need strong ankles, and knees and a lot less weight. My hips are doing so much better as well - I can stand without them hurting, and there is a lot less creaking and popping going on!
• My arms, specifically my right arm: In December, I had to leave a job that I enjoyed because sitting at an unergonomic desk, working a mouse and keyboard for hours on end was causing my forearm to swell, my shoulder to swell and carpal tunnel symptoms to show up in my wrist and hand.  I could not pick up a glass, even without liquid in it.  I had become left handed. The pain was horrible, it felt like fire, ice, ice picks and branding irons, and someone pounding on it at the same time.  I'd had CT surgery on both hands, and don't want to do that again.  My doctor asked me - do you want the job or your arm?  We can get the arm recovered, but if you go back to that, you will just get worse again...and each time, recovery will be less predictable.  So - basically, she asked me "would you give your right arm for this job?".  Uh, no!  But, working with a trainer, who is so careful to take anything I can't do and find a way that I can without hurting myself - my arm has recovered.  I'm right handed again...I am doing light weights with my right arm AND yesterday, I was able to pick up my grandson (20+#).  I was also able to feed him - just last week, even, the rotating motion of getting food from the bowl and then getting it into his mouth was so excruciating that I gave that privilege up to others.  I do have to make sure I don't type too much....but even the typing is not causing problems (I have an ergonomic set up here at home).  I'm so excited! I'm so happy! I'm so grateful!
  

It's just been two weeks since the first of the year, and it's just been one month since I was told to immobilize my right arm and leave my job.  It's been less than a month that my right leg hurt so bad that I used a wheel chair to buy stuff for Christmas dinner.  I am so thankful...so grateful that God made our bodies so that if we do the right things, they will respond. Thank you Jesus!  thank God! Thank you Biggest Losers for showing me that even one week can make a difference in your life....
My Verse for the day: Psalm 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully [and] wonderfully made: marvellous [are] thy works; and [that] my soul knoweth right well.
My Hymn for the day: http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/c/o/countyou.htm
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Weigh in - 235
Workout - Elliptcal Trainer - 30 minutes
up from 12 to 14 in incline
held speed at 15 cal per minute
varied resistance from 11-15 in pyramid fashion
Strength Training with Weights - 30 minutes

This morning's weigh in - our baseline for this was 1/4/08, when we bought a scale for the house. This way we have consistent weight measures - we can wear the same amount of clothing and weigh the same time each day.
Christi - 238!!! down 5!  That's down from 243 last week, and down from 249+  at the Doctor's office 12/14/07.
Jim - 236!!! down 9! That's down from 245 last week, and down from 249 at the doctor's office 12/12/07.
We need to do photos, and measurements.

1/11/08
I goofed....Jim was too tired to go to the gym this morning....so, I rolled over and went back to sleep with him. :-(  Well, the snuggling was good, but didn't burn any calories!  I did my basic calisthenics, leg lifts to strengthen and stablelize my knees, and arm lifts to stablelize my shoulders.  Ate out with my younger two daughters and got a salad and soup.  Left off the gorgonzola cheese, and got lo fat vinigrette....then mindlessly dipped the white bread into the smashed pea and barley soup!  Jim and I watched more of the National Body Challenge....the biggest thing that I get from those is that just a few weeks of doing SOMETHING will make a HUGE difference!  Even if you don't do it perfectly, you mess up - any change will bring an improvement to your health.  Dr Oz said two weeks of a change will drastically improve your health markers...and some other stuff.  So - I don't have to be perfect for a year to get benefits!  And the folks on these shows in 15 weeks have great improvements in their waist measurements that are outward signs of the improvement inside.  that is VERY beneficial to me.
1/12/08
Today I was struggling with emotional stuff...but on the Body Challenge shows - EVERYONE went through emotional stuff when they started doing consistent life changes.  Of course, on Biggest Loser - many cry, but I always thought that was for missing their families...or some other stress.  Maybe some of that is the changes in their bodies for changing their lifestyles. 
In an hour, I walked 2+ miles, burned 300+ calories and kept my heart rate right around 136-140 the whole time. My right leg started hurting, this time, and the J brace left a mark - my leg started to swell.  Jim could see it after I took off the brace.  This time, I forgot to do my leg raises and stretches before I went....could that be it?  Also - this sounds like the edema(early) of diabetes....at least I know from these shows that diet and exercise will reverse that.
Another thing I've notice since working on this...the brown markings on my forearms are FADING!!!  I think those are liver spots....but they are so almost gone, I'm not sure I'll even be able to show the doctor when I see him next time!  But, I know! I don't have brown wrist bands anymore!!!

Today I am struggling with some family issues from the past, and a relationship that is stressed because of the past abuse.  In the past, I have been tempted to give up, hurt myself, shut down, and/or quit.  I don't want to do any of that today. I want to live, so I have to make some other choices.
I spent the whole last year learning that I am worth something because I am here.  God put me on this earth for a reason. The fact that I have breath gives me worth...and I need to treat myself with respect.
I spent last year learning why I binged...what was the need I was trying to meet, and why didn't I ask for help. What was the pain that I was trying to take care of.  I looked at all my unhealthy coping skills and looked at what the consequences were. I did improve my cholesterol from 220 - 156, with the LDL's and HDL's coming much closer into line.  I still have an A1C of <6, 5.7 being the highest.  My fasting blood sugar is under 120. And, my waist is 4 inches smaller this year than this time last year.  In looking at my life, I've made some changes, they just haven't added up to weight loss - but my health has improved.
Yesterday I watched a Dr Phil show - and he said
"You are overweight because you would rather do what keeps you fat than do what makes you normal weight". 
"You cannot be overweight unless you have a lifestyle that supports being overweight."
"When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences."
I want different consequences!!!

Last year, Jim and I looked into why we ate out so much - the reasons are:
1. Sitting at a table forces (ADHD)Jim to pay attention to me(unless there is a tv screen, so we avoid sports bars! ;-))
2. Originally, going out gave us time to talk, where he had to pay attention to me, but also, where there were no little ones interrupting every sentence! The kids are gone now!
3. We were lazy.  We weren't taking the time to prepare meals at home, and were going to restaurants instead. We do crock pot meals for 6-8, putting others in the freezer for our new 'fast food'.
4. We were feeding our emotions - upset, get a milkshake, happy - get a steak dinner, sad - get Wendy's Baconater with large fries (and diet, to balance it out!).  Ok, we're still working on that one.
The consequences - we didn't know how to talk at home, we were getting sicker and sicker, thicker and thicker, and we weren't dealing with our emotions (no one cries in a public restaurant unless they've just been proposed to!).

So - today - I was hit with sad.  I prayed "Lord, give me strength"
I didn't shut down.  I didn't binge. I didn't hurt myself.
I did go to my personal trainer appointment.
I did eat reasonable food to fuel the work out.
I did write friends to help me out.
And - Jim and I don't have to go out to eat to deal with the issues, because I will have a great meatloaf meal ready for him when he comes home.

Today's summary so far:
* I did go to work out - did 20 minutes on the bike - at level 2 today! Did my personal training workout for 1/2 hour, and my leg lifting exercises for my knees and hips.
* My verse for today:
No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue [that] shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This [is] the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness [is] of me, saith the LORD. Isaiah 54:17 (http://blueletterbible.org)
* My Hymn for today:
My Hope is Built (http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/m/y/myhopeis.htm)

On Dec 14, 2007, I weighed 249+ at my doctor's office.  On January 4th, I weighed 244. Here's the summary of my story:
Fat was my protection from men - and the summer a childhood abuser was removed from our home, I lost 30 pounds.  I never was skinny, but 120 on a 5'1" frame wasn't fat.  Even with 7 pregnancies and 5 births(2 miscarriages) in  6 years, I was able to get the weight off, and was 114 pounds one year after my last baby(1989).  Then, I had a hysterectomy for endometriosis - and my metabolism changed.  And two years later, the memories of the abuse as a child flooded my mind, and I started eating emotionally - and putting on pounds and pounds and pounds.  I was totally mindless about the fat being protection until I'd lost 35 pounds, and was shocked by attention by a very bold man - and I put back on the 30, plus another 50 pounds. Because of the weight, I've had several physical issues with working out.  I've had three knee surgeries for meniscus tears, I have fibromyalgia, I now have pre-diabetes at least, I've had trouble breathing.  I've injured things because there is too much weight on these bones - and because I haven't worked out for so long, I have osteopenia.  I also have a fatty liver, and cholesterol issues.
These are not excuses, they are facts.  And everything can be reversed or drastically improved if I lose weight and exercise.
The last five years, I have worked on my PTSD issues,  emotional eating, the binging and the self destructive attitudes.  This year, I want to live(for the first time in my life) and I want to live well. I cannot explain how my mindset is different - other than I really didn't care if I lived or died, and at times, I was willing to help the dying along.  But now, I WANT TO LIVE!!!  And, I want to live strong!

The song at the beginning of the Biggest Loser always gets me: "What have you done today to make you feel proud?"  Until recently, I wasn't proud of anything I had done...but that has changed, and my life is so different.  I'm excited to see the progress!

-- 
In His hands and under His wings,
~ Christi

christi@wildberrypatch.com 
Ps 63:7 "Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your Wings."
http://www.rossberry.com/christi
http://www.wildberrypatch.com

We are Jim and Christi. In 2007, we became Grandparents (at 47 years old, in June) and empty nesters two weeks before Christmas.  We also became home owners again.
Jim has been working out for 7 years usually 5 times a week.  Christi has had multiple injuries, surgeries and issues that have hindered her health and fitness goals.  This year, with no children to distract us (yeah, right!), we are making a goal to feel great in 2008.
We have watched the Biggest Loser program for all 5 seasons, and have learned much.  We have the first book, and the first workout dvd.  They have sat nicely on the shelf for quite a while.  This year - the books are coming off the shelf and the dvds are getting turned on as we change our lives together.