Ok - so I was happy that my knee was ok....and I felt validated that the doc acknowledges the FMS Dx......but now, I feel like I'm in the dark again.

FMS can attack my joints?????
And just a year ago, I went to a doc and said - Ok - FMS symptoms started possibly after I had the hysterectomy in 1989 - or did it happen after the fall and paralysis in the Navy in 1978 - and I listed these symptoms;
Pain, fatigue, headaches, intestinal issues, GI issues, Chest pain non heart related - though multiple ER visits, Low Basal Temp, Depression, Heat & Cold sensitivity, sleep issues, swelling and stiffness.  Now diabetic 2, and osteopenia.

Now - the PTSD  doesn't  help matters.... but I keep being treated for them....and I'm not sure I'm getting the treatment I really need.  What if the sleep issues are FMS - and I'm really not having such a difficult time with the PTSD now?  Every suicide attempt was in direct relation to emotional exhaustion from working extra hours, medicine issues(schedule off), and lack of sleep and regular diet. 
I am on 'non therapeutic' levels of all my meds....because I am so sensitive to them - I've had multiple H.Pylori treatments, and am having to take stomach meds constantly now - I get rebound headaches from any pain med for any length of time.....is this FMS???

I have been in menopause since I was 30 - and even some of the symptoms could be attributed to that, but it was going on before...the hip pain, the knee pain....the exhaustion when I was carrying the babies and after they were born.

Now there is something going on with my lower leg....has been for two years...and I can't find the doc that will work with that section of the leg!!!  Swelling, pain, burning, everything on my is sensitive to touch - period.  Except maybe my nose.

Now, I hear that the mental fog I've been worried about, may be the FMS...and I just thought it was me losing my mind with the PTSD  stuff - or worse....

I have been fighting finding docs that will listen to me for years....and now - I find that I may need to adjust my focus....on a misunderstood and under acknowledged and often dismissed disorder.

What is the constant?
God.
God is God.
God is my God.
God created me.
God could change me if He wanted to.
God loved me, loves me, and will always love me.
God will never leave me nor forsake me, even when I feel alone.
Jesus.
Jesus is God
Jesus is God's Son.
Jesus gave His life for me.
Jesus loved me from the cross before I was born.
Jesus intercedes for me daily before the throne of God.
Jesus advocates for me, and by His stripes I was healed.
I am.
I believe.
I struggle to trust.
I owe my life to Jesus Christ.
I choose that though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.
I choose to worship between life and death, until the throne.
Because I am, and because HE is, I will be what HE ordained me to be.

The hard part is the journey....
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, he leadeth me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness.
Yea though I walk through the valley of death, thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table for me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil.
My cup over floweth.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Amen.

In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi

Thoughts from Psalm 118
:14 The LORD [is] my strength and song, and is become my salvation.
For years I have song a song with this verse from Moses in Exodus 15:1-2
“I will sing unto the LORD, for he hath triumphed gloriously: the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea. The LORD [is] my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he [is] my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him.” This was sung after the Israelites were delivered from Pharoah’s army miraculously.

Yesterday, a friend of mine was struggling with why bad things happen to good people - and why sometimes we are knocked down while we see others around us, those against God - that seem to get everything. I shared Psalm 73 with her - where King David is saying the same thing.  But I wondered more about it - for my sake.  And this song came to my mind.  I looked it up - and first went to where King David sang it.

In Psalm 118 - it doesn’t really sound like the psalmist is coming off a victory high - it sounds more like a choice.  Verses 1-4 repeat “say His mercy endures forever”. Then verse 5:
I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, [and set me] in a large place.

So - the Psalmist is or was in distress - and says the Lord answered him...and set him in a large place....but the rest of the Psalm sounds like he is still trying to convince himself:
:6-7 The LORD [is] on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me? The LORD taketh my part with them that help me: therefore shall I see [my desire] upon them that hate me.
And
:8-9 [It is] better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. [It is] better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes.
The next verses give me a hint that the psalmist isn’t really in this wonderful large place at this time..... “they compassed me about, they compassed me about, they compassed me about like bees” followed by “I WILL destroy them” - not “I did”. Followed by this in a few verses is this comment “I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.” Not my idea of a person walking on the high places - but rather, fighting through a valley.
That brings me to the verse I read today:
:14 The LORD [is] my strength and song, and is become my salvation
In the midst of the valley - How is the Lord my strength, my song, and becoming my salvation?
We can choose to be with the Lord, and be filled with his joy for STRENGTH.
James 1:2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Nehemiah 8:10 ...for the joy of the LORD is your strength.
Psalms 16:11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence [is] fulness of joy; at thy right hand [there are] pleasures for evermore.
And we are compelled and commanded to SING A NEW SONG:
Many Psalms say Sing unto the Lord a new song(33.3; 96:1; 98:1; 144:9; 149:1)
Psalms 63:7 7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.(echoed in James 1:2)
Psa 100:1-5        [[A Psalm of praise.]] Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands.
Serve the LORD with gladness: come before his presence with singing.
Know ye that the LORD he [is] God: [it is] he [that] hath made us, and not we ourselves; [we are] his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, [and] into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, [and] bless his name.
For the LORD [is] good; his mercy [is] everlasting; and his truth [endureth] to all generations.
(This echoes the confession in Psalm 118).
Now - how does this make the Lord our salvation:
When in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death - where we wish we could give up and die, and get it all over with - He, Our Heavenly Shepherd is with us, His rod and His staff comfort us(Psalm 23). 
The Psalmist is taking a stand when he says in 118:17 I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.
From someone who has attempted suicide, and had suicidal ideations for many,  many years  - this statement is a statement of faith, it is a choice not to take the easy road - but to choose to live, and to declare the glorious works of the Lord.  This is a statement of salvation - being saved from the darkness to walk into the light.

The Shepherd, Jesus(Ps23), walking with me through those valleys of the shadow of death, was and is my salvation.  He has led me beside still waters, and made me lie down in green grasses to rest, and he has anointed my head with the oil of gladness, and He has prepared a table for me in the presence of my enemies - a celebration party of Our victory.
Ps 118:21 I will praise thee: for thou hast heard me, and art become my salvation.

And I find it interesting that one of our favorite verses is followed by a cry:
Ps118:24 This [is] the day [which] the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.
Ps 118:25 Save now, I beseech thee, O LORD: O LORD, I beseech thee, send now prosperity.

The end of both Psalms goes back to mercy.....
Ps 118:29 O give thanks unto the LORD; for [he is] good: for his mercy [endureth] for ever.
Ps 23:6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

It's all about choices - It's all about perspective - it's all about what you believe about yourself, your world, and Your God.  When you are down in a deep well - look up and cry out....Someone will hear!
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi